THIS JUST IN!
Evil bunnies have been found to carry a bizzare strain of flu called Ohfuckyagonnadieotitis. Wide spread panic has been seen in the farthest reaches of Assbackwards, Tennessee. Several small furry creatures have been seen drinking whiskey and smoking banana peels. The White House refuses to comment at this early stage because they don't know what bunnies are. A spokesmen close to the President says "Mr. Bush was so confused as to what bunnies were, refused to come out of the oval office without his ball of yarn". He even stopped his daily walk around his desk. The president has called in several of his friends at taxpayers expense to do aboslutely nothing about this matter.
Now for a heartwarming story about a watermelon and a screwdriver at the Olympics......
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Now for a heartwarming story about a watermelon and a screwdriver at the Olympics......
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16 Comments:
We're now receiving live footage of the bunnies http://www.liquidgeneration.com/content/a55hat.aspx?cid=1935
It's...it's horrible. Jim, do we know what the next stage of the disease is? Is it time to stock up on canned goods and bar the doors to wait for the four horsemen.
Well Steve, we're not sure, but watching that footage has prompted me to bend Sally over the desk here and plunge her foul depths.
Okay, thanks Jim. Now for Sally with the weather.
Sally Here.. the weather is fucked. *thump* And thanks to Jim here *thump* so am I. We will be experiencing *thump* some heat in the *thump* southern regions *thump* as well as *thump, thump, thump, thump.....* sudden bursts of stickiness.
Now here's Billy-Bob with Sports!
Thanks, Sally.....
It would appear that some of the bunnies are re-animating. I repeat....the bunnies are reanimating.
...wait....I'm being handed an update.....I'm being told that the only way to stop the bunnies are by removing the head or destroying the brain.
I repeat:
BY REMOVING THE HEAD and DESTROYING THE BRAIN.
I now hand you over to Slick Bumstain for the Weather....
This is Slick here... just in, more footage of the bunnies rampage http://www.angryalien.com/0206/NOLDbuns.asp don't know how to make that a hyperlink, but cut and paste for the horror. Here contains footage from all over the world of further bunny exploits http://www.angryalien.com/ we'll keep you updated as this situation unfolds.
Now for today's special arts feature http://www.alienpanic.com/toy.html the preceding is an internet mix up that is beyond words. Representatives from both original films have no comment at this time.
Jim, has the president declared a state of national emergency yet?
Well, Slick I am standing outside the White House and it appears that there will be a press conference as soon as the President can find someone to show him where the podium is. As soon he finds the way I am sure he will not have anything intelligent to say.
There have been mass riots here in the capitol city as people try to flee the city in hopes of dying elsewhere.
And to make matters worse all the liquor stores and bars have closed for fear of falling over. It will not be easy to get a drink in this town by gum. Nothing will be easy anymore, well except for Sally...
This Standemic is out of hand Slick and I don't know what to say except I will try that thing you wanted to try with the bacon and the garden hose.
I will have an updated report later on,
This is Jim Rottenguts reporting,
Back to you Slut I mean, Slick.
Thanks, Jim....
Well, the President has reached the podium. Let's hope that he has some insight to share with us on todays emergency...
Back to you, Sally.....
Sally here, and boy is my ass sore! But that's neither here nor there... I have just heard that this pandemic of Ohfuckyagonnadieotitis is mutating. Now the bunnies are everywhere! They are having sex with inanimate objects. Actually they are having sex with anything that gets near them! It's unbelievable! Oh the humanity! The government will have to
get their best man on the case.
I realize I am the weather girl, but I do have some expertise on sex with inanimate objects.
Now back to you, Jim.
Thanks, Sally....but it seems you've been getting a little too close to the story....and here's the proof.
What do you have to say for yourself, Sally?
Well, Jim or Slick or what ever you real name is, I have been going undercover forthis amazing story. I am trying to infiltrate this bizarre new Evil Bunny subculture that is forming around this crisis. It seems I have discovered the first case of Ohfuckyagonnadieotitis in a human being.
Here on the front lines, this is Sally Squatwaffle, back to the studio guys.
"Ladies and Gentlemen The President"
Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh
My fellow Americans, I have been following this crisis quite slowly and I have been trying very hard to find who is directly responsible for this. So I have decided with the support of my Magic 8 ball that we shall declare war on these bunnies and the evil doers that unleased them upon this great nation. I am sending all available troops into Canada to seek out these bunnie cells that hide amongst us. I have also called in Bunny expert Slap Dinkerton to oversee the entire operation. (heh, heh, heh, I said Dink).
We will prevail over these bunnies and as a pre-emptive strike against other furry creatures rising up we decided to invade Alaska. WE WILL NOT BE (Oh look cookies heh, heh, hee, hee,...)
Well Jim and Sally it seems that the President is taking the bullshit by the horns and really doing everything he can to make no sense of this
OH NO BUNNIES ARE RUNNING THIS WAY HELP HELP!! THE BUNNIES ARE LICKING ME.
BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIOOOOOOOO (NO NOT MY BALLS) AGHHHHHHHHH.......
BREAKING NEWS!
Several bunnies have been rampaging through Sesame Street, They have killed Big Bird! They beat him to death with the letter E and the number 1. A witness revealed to me a short while ago that they shoved the number 3 into his rectum just as they plucked the last feathers from his dying bloody carcus. The word is they cooked and ate him after the massacre. Those must have been some pretty damn huge hot wings eh Sally!
On a lighter note I just saved a shitload of money on my car insurance by riding a bike!
This has been Hank Wankeroff, filling in for the badly beaten and eaten Slick Bumstain. Back to you in the studio.
This is Slick again, we've got some breaking entertainment news. An antiquated album has been oncovered showing the bunnies in their early stages of the disease: http://www.flickr.com/photos/73922019@N00/30815456/ with star Li'l Richard. We're continuing to search for more evidence that this outbreak has been building and it's actually been supressed by a large governement conspiracy for years.
On a related note, it appears the bunnies are becoming resistant to flame http://www.saveabunny.com/specialneeds2.php?id=589 , this one survived and now, foolishly it has been brought to a shelter and is now seeking a new victim.
Jim, Sally, Billy Bob...I'm hoping the national guard are called in soon. Do we have any update from the White House?
Welcome Back Slick,
It appears that the White House is indeed still white. The President denies truth to this but I will investigate it further.
...and here is the President's latest attempt at hiding the extreme whiteness of the White House.....seems like just another white-wash to this reporter.
I'm live and undead here at the Bush family ranch here in Shitkicker, Texas it seems the bunnies have taken over the ranch and are... Oh dear no, OH MY! that's just horrible... RUUUUNNNNNN IT"S BARBARA BUSH IN A NIGHTGOWN!!!!! SOMEONE POKE MY EYES OUT!!! PLEASE BLIND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!
And this is Kneel Undercock reporting live outside of a reknowned medical center where scientists are scurrying (and I do mean scurrying) around attempting to pin down a vaccine to curb what could be named the worst rodent-like influenza ever to plague this side of Watership Down. It seems as if the test rabbits have become oversexed and it is theorized that some sort of unidentified mutant hormone gene could be to blame. We'll have more updates as they cum to us. (Bow to the rabid sex bunnies, bow to the rabid sex bunnies.)
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